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Fried Chicken Theory, Explained

February 18, 2012

Good.

According to a famous theory made by a special expert. “…the quality of a fried chicken establishment is inversely proportional to the size of the chicken name-modifier.” We have all, at some point in our lives, heard these seminal words before. But what do they actually mean?

Outside is an angry businessman trapped in a cage.

Basically it means that the bigger the thing used to describe the chicken place, the worse the chicken place is. That’s why Chicken Cottage is amazing, but Chicken Village is slightly worse. This place called Chicken City is so bad that its in South Africa. Near me there is the stupidly-named Chick Inn Village, which misses out on being pretty good (the average size of an inn is a little bit bigger, and, in some cases, smaller than a cottage) by making an inn the size of a village. Such an inn would be unfeasibly huge, making it difficult to manage, and it would probably go out of business within the first year of opening, if not sooner. This is why Premier Inns are never the size of a whole village, and how they can afford to hire celebrities such as Lenny Henry for their adverts. It is also the first chicken place to be integrated with a bus stop, so that people looking from across the street will think that people waiting for the bus are actually sitting inside, waiting for chicken. But I know better.

Idiots.

Note how there is usually a worse chicken place just down the road from every Chicken Cottage you see. This is because chicken proprietors must swear a special oath when opening a chicken place, which states that they must follow the rules of chicken theory. It is rare to find a place just called Chicken, for example, unless the proprietor has serious chutzpah.  Exceptions to the rule include the fucked up Fried Chicken Kebab and Fish (FCKF) on Old Street, which is just round the corner from the City Road Chicken Cottage. Throwing fish and kebabs into the mix makes them exempt from the rules, but still a fucked up place. Chicken Cottage includes things like lamb and rice, but they don’t try and crowbar them into its name, otherwise it could be called CLRCFC or something.

Fucked up.

It is sad and foolish how Pizza Hut tried to cash in on the theory with its tiny, hut-like name, but failed to realise that the opposite is true within the fickle pizza industry. Domino’s Pizza, for example, is one of the worst pizza places, because dominoes are very small, smaller even than a pizza itself. You could fit at least a box of dominoes on a pizza, which is, coincidentally, a game they play in Japan. Pizza places which did it right include Chicago’s Pizza on Harrow Road (Chicago is the third most populous city in the USA), or Red Planet Pizza, which is presumably modelled on Mars, a planet big enough to accommodate several million huts, and about a thousand billion dominoes and then some. They actually tried this experiment once, but it was ill-conceived and pointless.

Here is a sliding scale of chicken places in reverse order of goodness, culminating in pure chicken. You will probably recognise most of these names from a quick glance around your local high street.

Chicken Universe

Chicken Galaxy

Chicken Sun

Chicken World

Chicken Continent

Chicken Nation

Chicken State

Chicken Nation-State

Chicken County

Chicken Conurbation

Chicken Municipality

Chicken City

Chicken Valley

Chicken Town

Chick Inn Village

Chicken Village

Chicken Hamlet*

Chicken Estate

Chicken Ranch

Chicken House

Chicken Cottage

Chicken Flat

Chicken Studio Apartment

Chicken Pond

Chicken Man

Chicken Cage

Chicken

*A hotly contested entry, centred around whether which is bigger, the village or the hamlet. Also, the ham connotations seemingly go against the Halal status of most chicken joints.


Beyond pure chicken there are further possible degrees of goodness, including: Chicken Molecule, Chicken Atom and Chicken Quark, but these are in the realms of wild hypothesis and speculation. Here I just want to stick to the facts.

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