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The Meaning of Phrases

People always come up to me and ask me what do phrases mean, and I rebuff them rudely. This is because I have long had a deep-seated fear of revealing my phrase knowledge due to an unrelated incident where I was once chased by a dog in the park. However, I recently had a change of heart and have decided to share my wisdom about phrases with people after all. This is the first instalment of maybe two such things before I lose interest once more.


“I dodged a bullet on that one.”

What the fuck does it mean?

This means when somebody has managed to cheat death, perhaps through a deal with the devil or having won a game of chess against the Grim Reaper. Avoid people who use this phrase, as they are either wicked chess hustlers or they have been marked for death at a nearby but later point, and will probably die in an ironic or annoying way. The films Final Destination 1 through 12 and even 3D were based on this phrase, and they teach us much about the whole bullet-dodging process. Another film based on a phrase was 2004’s It’s All Gone Pete Tong starring Paul Kaye, which is an example of how not to make films based on phrases.

It is also used in the literal sense when somebody has dodged a bullet. Therefore it is OK to use this phrase if you have literally dodged a bullet, although some people might look at you funny. A famous bullet-dodger was Neo from The Matrix, but he is now known for being sad on a bench. It has in fact gone Pete Tong for him, perhaps because the other Matrix films sucked. Well, that’s it for now, I hope you learned more about phrases today.


Fried Chicken Theory, Explained


According to a famous theory made by a special expert. “…the quality of a fried chicken establishment is inversely proportional to the size of the chicken name-modifier.” We have all, at some point in our lives, heard these seminal words before. But what do they actually mean?

Outside is an angry businessman trapped in a cage.

Basically it means that the bigger the thing used to describe the chicken place, the worse the chicken place is. That’s why Chicken Cottage is amazing, but Chicken Village is slightly worse. This place called Chicken City is so bad that its in South Africa. Near me there is the stupidly-named Chick Inn Village, which misses out on being pretty good (the average size of an inn is a little bit bigger, and, in some cases, smaller than a cottage) by making an inn the size of a village. Such an inn would be unfeasibly huge, making it difficult to manage, and it would probably go out of business within the first year of opening, if not sooner. This is why Premier Inns are never the size of a whole village, and how they can afford to hire celebrities such as Lenny Henry for their adverts. It is also the first chicken place to be integrated with a bus stop, so that people looking from across the street will think that people waiting for the bus are actually sitting inside, waiting for chicken. But I know better.


Note how there is usually a worse chicken place just down the road from every Chicken Cottage you see. This is because chicken proprietors must swear a special oath when opening a chicken place, which states that they must follow the rules of chicken theory. It is rare to find a place just called Chicken, for example, unless the proprietor has serious chutzpah.  Exceptions to the rule include the fucked up Fried Chicken Kebab and Fish (FCKF) on Old Street, which is just round the corner from the City Road Chicken Cottage. Throwing fish and kebabs into the mix makes them exempt from the rules, but still a fucked up place. Chicken Cottage includes things like lamb and rice, but they don’t try and crowbar them into its name, otherwise it could be called CLRCFC or something.

Fucked up.

It is sad and foolish how Pizza Hut tried to cash in on the theory with its tiny, hut-like name, but failed to realise that the opposite is true within the fickle pizza industry. Domino’s Pizza, for example, is one of the worst pizza places, because dominoes are very small, smaller even than a pizza itself. You could fit at least a box of dominoes on a pizza, which is, coincidentally, a game they play in Japan. Pizza places which did it right include Chicago’s Pizza on Harrow Road (Chicago is the third most populous city in the USA), or Red Planet Pizza, which is presumably modelled on Mars, a planet big enough to accommodate several million huts, and about a thousand billion dominoes and then some. They actually tried this experiment once, but it was ill-conceived and pointless.

Here is a sliding scale of chicken places in reverse order of goodness, culminating in pure chicken. You will probably recognise most of these names from a quick glance around your local high street.

Chicken Universe

Chicken Galaxy

Chicken Sun

Chicken World

Chicken Continent

Chicken Nation

Chicken State

Chicken Nation-State

Chicken County

Chicken Conurbation

Chicken Municipality

Chicken City

Chicken Valley

Chicken Town

Chick Inn Village

Chicken Village

Chicken Hamlet*

Chicken Estate

Chicken Ranch

Chicken House

Chicken Cottage

Chicken Flat

Chicken Studio Apartment

Chicken Pond

Chicken Man

Chicken Cage


*A hotly contested entry, centred around whether which is bigger, the village or the hamlet. Also, the ham connotations seemingly go against the Halal status of most chicken joints.

Beyond pure chicken there are further possible degrees of goodness, including: Chicken Molecule, Chicken Atom and Chicken Quark, but these are in the realms of wild hypothesis and speculation. Here I just want to stick to the facts.

Exposé: Alex Kidd – Animal Puncher, Gambler, Twat?

Alex Kidd punches a hand-faced crab monster

Alex Kidd (アレックスキッド Arekkusu Kiddo) was a big child star in the 80s, the eponymous protagonist of a number of Sega video games, such as Alex Kidd in Miracle World, and Alex Kidd in Punching a Frog in the Face. Wait, what? That’s right, Alex Kidd was a little boy with a big heart and an even bigger fist, which he used by turns either to punch creatures, or to gamble recklessly. His life involved generally moving from the left side of a level to the right side, hitting animal folk along the way, before finally challenging bosses to a game of rock, paper scissors, aka ‘Janken’ in Kidd-speak.

What is Sega's fist-fixation here?

The first of many anti-climactic battles

While it is commendable that Kidd chose to use a form of non-violent confrontation to defeat level bosses, this really doesn’t make up for the hundreds of creatures smashed with his massive hand along the way. To some extent, his actions may in some way be excused by the fact that punching blocks in levels often yielded bags of money or jewellery. It could well be the case that Kidd, like so many of us, was conditioned by Sega to believe that smashing things would make money appear. However, one can’t help but feel that Kidd would then have just smashed the bosses in the face too, instead of resorting to cowardly games of Janken to fight them. Kidd’s actions here demonstrate that he is no more than a spoiled bully, lashing out at frogs and birds, driven by his insatiable greed and twisted ambition.

Alex Kidd: Hitler Youth?

His actions are brought even more into contrast with decency when compared with those of his peer, Sonic the Hedgehog, who spent his time freeing animals from inside of robots. This also lends weight to the popular argument that Alex Kidd is in fact the son of Dr. Robotnik, the infamous egg-based villain, and that Kidd’s violent behaviour is indicative of his desire to gain his father’s approval. Either way, Kidd’s time is now spent wandering the streets of Swindon, challenging confused passers-by to games of Janken in order to progress to the next level. However, this is a level which he will never reach until he learns to buck his ideas up and fly straight. Kidd needs to wake up and realise that he can’t just punch all of his problems away. And get a proper job.

Happy birthday Edison, you old young manbaby thing

Not a newborn

According to the foolish Google front page logo, today is Thomas Edison’s birthday. Logic informs us that it is impossible for Edison to have been born today, as plenty of pictures show that he is an old man. However, the reality is that Edison is some sort of Benjamin Button character, and from today he will proceed to get younger, uninventing all of the things that he previously invented.  While some may believe that this could have disastrous consequences for society, it could be that we are actually better off without some of these things. As has been shown by efforts in countries across the world, Edison’s electric light bulb is actually bad for the environment, and is probably the cause of global warming. Similarly, his so-called Kinetoscope is rubbish compared to Blu-ray, and there are no good films for it, not even Total Recall or Jackie Chan’s First Strike to name but two. Basically, the world is only set to gain from Edison’s eventual transformation into a baby, when we will finally be rid of his attempts to destroy the planet.

Michael Jackson Alive, Member of EDL?


Jackson, with a look of whimsy, peers through the crowd

As reported today in The Guardian, the EDL had a kind of Islamophobic Pride parade in Luton today, waving football-related memorabilia and sporting fashionable G-Star RAW tops. More shocking, perhaps, was the presence of the apparently dead Michael Jackson amongst the crowd, looking a bit worse for wear. It is slightly baffling how Jackson would come back to life, and appear as a right-wing zombie in Luton. When you think about it though, this is actually quite acceptable behaviour when compared to how most zombies act, and the protest went off without anyone being bitten or turned into a zombie themselves. While this doesn’t excuse the actions of the mortal EDL members, Jackson here proved quite a good role model for the undead. In fact, it would be refreshing to see more zombies joining extremist groups of this nature and taking to the streets. So get out there zombies!

We can but hope


Record Review: Thomas Edison – Mary Had a Little Lamb (reissue)


1927 re-issue of Edison’s 1877 debut fails to impress

While gritty quality and scratchy textures may be en vogue amongst certain musical genres today, Edison’s lo-fi-for-the-sake-of-it track simply evokes the desperation of an artist trying to jump on the bandwagon and missing, tumbling fecklessly in the dirt and arroyo weeds as the wagon clatters on to the next frontier town. To extend the image further, Edison is then attacked by a rabid coyote as he makes his way across the baked earth, grappling for life as he screams into the arid skies, his hollow voice echoing endlessly between the surrounding mesas. Back in the town, the band dismounts from the wagon to shoot craps and drink whiskey in the local bar, unaware of Edison’s fate no more than a kilometre away in the desert.

While Edison’s a cappella rendering of this well-known nursery rhyme certainly captures the vitality and anger of a young inventor trying to make his mark on the world, the lack of instrumentation really lets him down, exposing his rambling and brittle vocal histrionics. The world is filled with like-for-like covers of this kind, and one can’t help but feel that the somewhat juvenile theme of Edison’s work can be no more than cynical pandering to the youth market, a segment recently given new life by the success of  Justin Bieber, whose own releases, sadly, stand head and shoulders above this track. This 1927 re-issue is also preceded by a somewhat unnecessary bonus skit in which Edison introduces his work as a “piece of practical poetry”, whatever that really even means.

Ultimately, it is Edison’s status as a crazy, dead man that strips this track of all relevance. Bring Auto-Tune back to life, all is forgiven.

Review of the first photo ever

Pursuant to my discovery of the first picture on the internet, I became obsessed with the idea of the first picture, so I went and found out about the first photograph ever. It turns out it was rubbish, something like a triangle emerging from a ring of smoke in a field. The first photographer, Joseph Nicéphore Niépce, is severely disappointing.


Under-exposed bullshit